Managing the Mental Load of Motherhood: Tips from an Expert
Takeaway: The mental load of motherhood can be an invisible burden that you carry day in and day out. This can take a huge toll, especially as a new mom as you navigate the transition into parenthood. In this post, I break down what mom’s mental load is, how to know if it’s getting to you, and tips for dealing with it.
WHAT IS WOMEN'S MENTAL LOAD?
Women perform so much invisible labor on a daily basis. Oftentimes, we don't even realize that we're doing it because it's so ingrained in us. Cultural, societal, structural, and personal factors can all contribute to the mental burden women carry.
The concept of mental load refers to the idea that there is "behind the scenes" work that women do in order to run a household and a family. This "hidden" labor refers to the emotional and mental work that women do: planning, creating systems, anticipating needs, and maintaining relationships both inside and outside of the family.
This cognitive labor is unpaid and often unrecognized, which can cause it to build up. Overtime, it can become a completely overwhelming workload and lead you to reach a breaking point.
EXAMPLES OF THE MENTAL BURDEN MOMS CARRY
Being aware of the mental loads that women have is the first step in addressing the issue. The cognitive and emotional labor that moms complete will depend on their specific family, situation, and needs. Here are just a few examples of the types of thoughts and tasks that contribute to a woman's mental load:
Planning meals for the entire family, including multiple different meals for children or picky eaters
Noting when you run out of certain items, creating a grocery list, and planning when to go grocery shopping
Keeping track of household responsibilities and when certain tasks, such as cleaning, need to be completed
Organizing all the practical elements of your child's schooling, such as transportation to and from school, coordinating with teachers, overseeing homework, and more
Scheduling medical appointments, dental appointments, haircuts, and car maintenance
Maintaining relationships with parents and grandparents, calling friends, organizing playdates, and planning date nights
Holding the weight of your family's emotions, such as comforting crying children and providing support to your partner
Budgeting, keeping track of expenses, and making sure that bills are paid on time
This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are many other factors that can be part of your mental load as a mom. You may still be carrying a heavy burden even if you don't resonate with the factors listed here.
IMPACTS OF THE MENTAL LOAD ON WOMEN
It's important to recognize that each woman's experience is different. There are many factors that can impact how a woman is impacted by her mental load, including being a stay at home mom versus a working mom, having one child or multiple, having a partner involved or not, and many more.
SIGNS THAT YOUR MOTHER MENTAL LOAD IS TOO MUCH
While each woman is impacted differently by the cognitive and emotional labor that she completes, there are many common signs that may indicate that the mental load has become too much to bear. Here are just a few.
Mental health struggles
Having an excessive mental load could contribute to mental health issues like depression or anxiety disorders, or make existing mental illness worse. For example, constantly worrying about having the household responsibilities completed might create or add to existing anxiety. On the other hand, feeling isolated with your mental tasks could contribute to depression.
Physical health problems
The stress of your mental burden may also contribute to health issues. Stomach issues, trouble getting a good night's sleep, and muscle tension are all physical health problems that can come along with stress. If you experience any of these, it could be a sign that your mental load is taking a toll.
Feeling overwhelmed
While many mothers feel overwhelmed from time to time, constantly feeling like you have too much on your plate could be a result of your mental load. You might not be able to see the effects of all the cognitive work you're doing, but it can be totally draining.
Resentment toward your partner
Having negative feelings toward your partner can also indicate that your mental burden is getting to be too much. This might be especially true for same sex couples. Even with two modern, well-meaning partners, gender roles can be deeply ingrained. Taking on a significant portion of the mental load can leave you feeling resentment toward your spouse.
HOW TO REDUCE THE MENTAL LOAD OF MOTHERHOOD
Again, each mom's experience with women's mental load is different. Working moms may struggle differently than stay at home moms, and moms of younger children have challenges that are separate from those of moms with older children.
Unfortunately, there is no straightforward way to reduce your mental load-that would be nice, right?) However, there are plenty of strategies you can try to get started.
MY TIPS FOR MANAGING WOMEN'S MENTAL LOAD
As a therapist for women in Los Angeles, I work with tons of women just like you who are struggling to cope with the intense mental load of motherhood. Here are a few of the strategies I give my clients to help them cope. Try a few to see what works for you.
Communicate with your partner
If you have a partner, it's essential to communicate with them. You deserve support from them, and they deserve to know how much planning, effort, and time you put into your shared lives and family.
It's important to note that even initiating this conversation also contributes to your mental and emotional load. However, starting the discussion will hopefully be a way of reducing your mental labor in the future.
Use tools to help you delegate
You shouldn't be required to take on the mental and emotional burden of dividing the household management tasks-this simply adds more to your plate. You and your partner can work together to make a master list of all the tasks-those that are visible and those that exist in more hidden forms-and collaborate on who should do what.
If the idea of creating a list seems too daunting, you can use tools to help you. For example, the Fair Play Deck is a card deck that includes all of the main tasks that couples and families tend to have. At the very least, this can give you two a starting point for delegating the household responsibilities and hidden load.
Create an organized system for household chores
It's one thing to say who will do what, but it's another thing entirely to have a system. Creating a way to keep track of which person is responsible for which tasks (and if they are actually following through with those tasks) may be a good way to foster accountability.
Having an organized system can also be an effective way of explicitly naming the hidden work that women often take on. If it's written down or put into a spreadsheet, it's no longer invisible. Putting everything out in the open can help avoid having women continue to mentally keep track of things.
Balance physical chores with mental labor
When creating your new division of labor, keep in mind what equal distribution may actually look like. For example, some components of physical work may require more (or less) time and energy than some components of mental labor.
Take this into consideration when working with your partner to create new systems for your household. Each household and family will have a different division of labor, so it's important to be intentional about what will work for your specific situation, needs, boundaries, and capacity.
Give children age appropriate chores
Getting your kids involved can be a great way to take some of the burden off of you. Of course, it's important to make sure that the household labor is age appropriate. With that being said, there can be plenty of ways to incorporate your children into maintaining the household.
Children might also feel empowered by being able to help you. Having responsibilities around the house can be a way for them to build confidence and independence.
Get mental health support
Many moms struggle with their mental well being, especially with the intense mental load that women face. Therapy for women's issues can provide you with the personalized support you need from someone who knows how hard it can be to balance motherhood, relationships, and a career.
In therapy, you can learn communication strategies and tips for setting healthy boundaries. It can also provide you with an outlet to process the emotions, stress, and everyday struggles that come along with being a mom, as well as womanhood in general.
Make time for self care
Building in time for self care is essential. Even though it might feel impossible with all that you have on your plate, taking time for yourself is vital for your well being. Carving out this time in your family's calendar or organization system is a good way to prioritize it.
It doesn't have to be anything fancy-it can be as simple as a warm shower before bed or taking a few minutes with a hot coffee and a good book early in the morning before everyone else wakes up.
THERAPY FOR WOMEN IN LOS ANGELES CAN HELP YOU COPE WITH THE MENTAL LOAD OF MOTHERHOOD
Women's mental load hasn't always been openly talked about. Many women might even feel embarrassed if they are overwhelmed with all of the cognitive and emotional demands they deal with on a day to day basis. They might feel that it is their responsibility to handle it all, and wonder if they're failing by being stressed out.
However, you're only human. You deserve to be thriving emotionally, not crippled by the weight of your family's mental load. Therapy for women in Los Angeles can provide you with the tools you need to cope with the stress that often comes with our identity as a woman, as well as our role as a mother.
Therapy can also equip you with the communication skills you need to explicitly talk with our partner about how you feel and what your needs are. Together, we give you the confidence and language that can help you ask for what you want-and need.
If you're ready to start the process, I encourage you to reach out. I offer free consultations so we can see if we'll be a good fit for each other. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you on this journey.