Losing Identity in Motherhood: Why Postpartum Identity Crises Can Happen
Do you find yourself mourning the loss of certain aspects of your life - like spontaneity and independence - since becoming a parent?
Do you feel confused about how to describe yourself now that you’re a mother?
Do you feel like you’ve spent the past few months (or years) caring for everyone else but yourself?
If any of those questions resonate with you, it might be a sign that you’re going through a postpartum identity crisis.
Becoming a new mom is an incredible journey, but sometimes you feel like your whole life has shifted, and you’re not sure where you fit in anymore.
Although it may not feel like it sometimes, remember that you’re a real person with your own feelings, and sometimes those feelings are difficult to understand.
As much as you’re prioritizing the health and safety of your new baby, you need to put effort into your own mental health, which isn’t always easy when you can’t seem to shower or use the bathroom without interruption. This is part of retaining your identity after becoming a mother, something many new parents lose because they pour their heart, soul, and energy into their family – but it doesn’t have to be a permanent loss.
In this article, I’ll talk about what identity loss in motherhood means, what causes a postpartum identity crisis, and how to cope while you’re reconnecting with yourself.
What does postpartum identity crisis mean?
After having a baby, many of us feel like we've lost a piece of ourselves. Maybe you don't feel like your own person anymore. For example, think about solving a jigsaw puzzle. You’re almost done with it and go to reach for the last few pieces, but you can’t find them. Stressful, right?
Those few missing pieces are all that’s left to finish the puzzle, but they’re just out of reach. The puzzle is still beautiful as it is, but it’s not quite complete.
That’s what losing part (or all) of your identity in motherhood is like.
Your life will change drastically between your first trimester and the newborn stage, opening the door for an identity crisis to happen. According to the American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology, an identity crisis is “a phase of life marked by experimentation; changing, conflicting, or newly emerging values; and a lack of commitment to one’s usual roles in society (especially in work and family relationships).”
Sound familiar? You long for the old (pre-baby) you, but you can’t really remember who she was anymore.
One moment, you were enjoying a night out for dinner and dancing with friends; the next, you’re chasing a two year old around the house and losing sleep because of your baby's cries.
Getting caught up in the major life changes that come with parenthood is easy, but that doesn’t mean giving up everything you value and enjoy – or at least it shouldn’t.
Let’s go back to the puzzle analogy. Every piece of your puzzle, a.k.a all the things that make you unique, is important. No one part of you outweighs the other, which makes finding your identity after you’ve lost it that much more difficult. What are you supposed to look for? It's not like your old self is going to magically reappear.
Here are a few signs:
You feel a sense of loss and confusion about navigating your new life.
You struggle to reconcile pre-motherhood identity with postpartum identity.
You have difficulty balancing the demands and realities of parenthood.
You have intrusive thoughts about feeling like a failure of a mother or like you’re not good enough.
You become frustrated with your life and start to question who you are.
Causes of a Postpartum Identity Crisis
Did you know that during the perinatal and postpartum stages, your brain undergoes as many changes as your lifestyle?
So much so that brain structures involved in skills related to caregiving, like emotion regulation, motivation, and threat detection, are significantly altered to help your body adapt to pregnancy.
These adaptations make it harder for you to function as you did before, plus increase the likelihood of mental health conditions like postpartum anxiety (PPA) and postpartum depression (PPD). My guide on PPA and PPD takes a deeper look at these diagnoses.
However, the changes that happen inside your body aren’t the only factors that contribute to developing postpartum identity loss.
Women are also expected to ascribe to an unrealistic societal narrative that perpetuates the idea of women carrying most of the responsibility in the home, including parenting the children and household management tasks like cleaning, cooking, or maintenance – making the transition into motherhood ten times more difficult. Sleepless nights and literally everything else on your plate don't make things easier for new moms, either.
On top of being a mom, and especially for working parents, this is exhausting and overwhelming. In Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood survey, over 70% of mothers felt defined because they were mothers. If they were a stay-at-home mom or under 30, that number increases to almost 90%.
In addition to the physical load, the mental load also affects women, who are almost twice as likely to ensure that household and family responsibilities are taken care of, according to the Modern Family Index report.
Although these statistics aren’t necessarily comforting, they show that many moms feel like you. A more intense physical and emotional workload combined with neurologic and hormonal changes equals a postpartum identity crisis.
Coping with a Motherhood Identity Crisis
Change doesn’t happen overnight, so as you start the journey toward reconnecting with yourself, be patient. Discovering your identity outside of motherhood may be a slow process, but it’s worth it.
But first, give yourself permission to mourn the parts of your identity that might taken a backseat since becoming a parent.
Whether you miss being spontaneous or getting a few moments of quiet time every day, acknowledging these feelings without judgment is the first step toward reconnecting with your identity.
Grieving your “old life” doesn’t have to mean you’re unhappy with your new identity as a mother; it’s part of beginning and embracing a new chapter in your life. However, it's important to have realistic expectations about how reconnecting with your own needs will go.
Here are a couple of ideas on how to cope with this stage in life.
Start prioritizing yourself.
I know this coping mechanism might seem impossible, but it isn’t.
Prioritizing yourself can happen, but start small, whether it’s something as simple as dressing up one day a week instead of wearing a messy bun and leggings or other things like going out to eat or meeting friends for dinner instead of cooking at home. Take advantage of nap time and use it to do whatever you want, even if it’s just sitting down and getting some rest.
You deserve alone time, too. By doing this, you’re creating a unique identity that honors all parts of you. And while you don't need to become an absolutely new person, you do need to prioritize your own mental health.
Aside from doing things, prioritizing yourself also applies to your thoughts and feelings. If you feel like you're only feeling your child's feelings, not your own, that's a problem.
Also, becoming a mother doesn’t mean you have to put your dreams on hold. Make time for things that bring you joy, like gardening, painting, thrift shopping, or starting a side hustle. Even though it might feel like it right now, being a mother doesn't have to be your only identity.
However, no matter what you’re passionate about, creating space for them during the week not only helps you discover yourself but also sets a positive example for your baby about the importance of pursuing what makes you happy.
Reach out to your community.
You’re not in this alone. Reach out to other moms in your community to start making relationships with other people. Mom groups (in-person or online) are a great place to start. However, it's important to not feel guilty about trying to have a social life again.
The more involved you can be with people who understand your life, the easier it is to alleviate feelings of isolation and confusion – which helps remedy a large part of feeling lost in the postpartum period.
What we think we’re supposed to be as moms and what motherhood is actually like are two different things, and it’s normal to feel lost on how to reconcile the difference. A mental health professional can help you find where to start your journey of becoming the new version of yourself. Starting therapy also helps you recognize your own emotions, which can be overwhelming, especially if you deal with any type of PPA and PPD.
As a therapist in Los Angeles, I work with mothers like you in my community every day to rediscover their independence and, ultimately, themselves. I prioritize creating a safe space to have meaningful conversations about putting yourself first every once in a while. With this approach, it is possible to become a happier you, allowing you and your family to have more fulfilling lives.
Schedule a free 10-minute consultation to see if my services are a good fit for you.