6 Tips from a Therapist to Overcome Mom Guilt
Motherhood brings immense joy and an equal measure of self-doubt. Feeling like you're not quite measuring up or worrying over the choices you make for your children are feelings every mother faces. These pangs of mom guilt are both normal and manageable.
In this article, I will share six tips that aim to gently guide you through these feelings, helping you to see that your efforts are not only enough but are truly commendable.
At Therapy with Gayane, you'll find a nurturing space dedicated to supporting mothers like you. My approach is not just about coping, but about flourishing. Let's reclaim your joy as a mother, partner, and woman and overcome those guilty feelings.
What is Mom Guilt?
Mom guilt is the name we give to the feelings many mothers experience when they feel they are not living up to their own and others' expectations in their role as a parent. Most mom guilt comes from the internal dialogue where we tell ourselves we are failing as a parent and caregiver.
The guilt women experience when parenting can often arise when there are pressures to meet the high standards of parenting that both we and society can place on ourselves. We hear from other moms that they're doing this or that with their children, or we're seeing "supermoms" on social media who appear to be able to do it all while still looking amazing. Meanwhile, we are feeling guilty because we don't have it all together and seem to be struggling. These feelings of guilt can definitely have an impact on our mental well-being.
But what we don't see is that the perfect mom doesn't exist and those other moms are likely also struggling with the same negative feelings. It's also important to recognize that it's not only moms who feel guilty, but dads can also experience dad guilt, though the sources of guilt might differ.
Identifying the Sources of Mom Guilt
Motherhood can be both physically and emotionally exhausting and there are many different reasons why we might experience mom guilt. We might question each decision we make. Are we spending enough time with our kids? Are we working too much? Is our parenting style too strict or too relaxed? All of these doubts and questions can trigger feelings of being a bad mom–and that can really lead to some negative emotions and affect our mental health.
Common triggers of mom guilt
Balancing Career and Motherhood: It’s tough feeling like you're stretched too thin between work and home. Remember, finding a perfect balance every day isn’t always possible, and that’s okay.
Differing Parenting Styles: Every family is unique, and so are the choices you make for yours. It's natural to question yourself, especially when you see other parents doing things differently. Trust your instincts—they’re tailored to your family’s needs.
Taking Time for Yourself: When you carve out moments for self-care, it might feel like you're putting your needs above your children's.
Managing the To-Do List at Home: If the laundry’s piling up or if dinner is takeout again, it doesn't reflect on your worth as a mom. Homes are for living, and sometimes that means they get a bit messy!
Your Child’s Behavior: When your child struggles or acts out, it's natural to feel responsible for their behavior. But children are their own people and they learn through trial and error, just like adults.
Comparing Yourself to Others: When you hear about or see other parents doing activities, crafts, or educational games with their kids, it’s easy to feel like you should be doing more.
Financial Worries: Money concerns can weigh heavily, especially when you want to provide the best for your kids but have limitations. It’s a common struggle, and you're doing the best you can with what you have.
Breastfeeding vs. Formula-feeding: Mothers who formula feed, whether it's by choice or inability to breastfeed, and those who supplement with formula often feel the need to explain themselves and feel guilty for not exclusively breastfeeding. Those who exclusively breastfeed may also experience guilt around difficulty meeting other obligations due to their nursing schedule.
It’s natural to encounter these feelings, and acknowledging them is a step toward letting them go. You’re doing more than you think, and you're doing wonderfully.
The Impact of Mom Guilt
When guilt builds, so do stress and anxiety. Chronic stress and guilt kick up your nervous system, making you feel constantly on edge. We know that this chronic stress can lead to physical issues and mental health concerns. When you're overwhelmed with mommy guilt and forgetting about your own needs, chronic stress and anxiety can put your health at risk. These health problems might include:
Depression
Headaches
Digestive problems
Sleep disturbances
High blood pressure and heart disease
Muscle tension and pain
Difficulty focusing
That's why it's important to acknowledge these feelings of guilt and learn how to get rid of mom guilt before it overwhelms you. So let's talk about tips for how to overcome mom guilt.
6 Tips For How to Deal with Mom Guilt
1. Practice Self-Compassion
When you feel guilt about your parenting choices or someone is guilt-tripping you about your decisions as a parent, it's easy to spiral into a cycle of shame and negative self-talk. It can be more difficult to show ourselves kindness and accept our perceived flaws. But practicing self-compassion can provide us with the space for forgiveness and be open to opportunities for growth.
To start practicing self-compassion, start by noticing how you talk to yourself. Try replacing the harsh words with kinder, more gentler words. Think about how you would talk to a friend or loved one and try to give yourself the same compassion.
2. Build a Support Network and Learn to Ask for Help
Surround yourself with supportive people in your life. This could be friends, family, or joining a support group. Having a supportive village can alleviate some of the stress and pressures of parenthood. But the next step is to be open and communicate with that support system by asking for help when needed.
If you're struggling to find time to clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, and spend quality time with the kids, try reaching out for help and asking your support system to take over some of those responsibilities for the time being.
3. Set Realistic Expectations
Social media has a way of distorting reality and making it seem possible to do everything and be everywhere all at once. Let go of the unrealistic expectations! You're not going to be able to attend every one of your kid's sports events or science fairs while also working 8 hours a day, cooking homemade dinners every night, and being an attentive partner. It's okay to order take-out or let your kids watch TV while you take a bath. You can only do your best and as long as your kids are safe and loved, you're doing great!
4. Make Time for Self-Care
Self-care might feel selfish when you think you should be spending more time with your kids. But it's important to recognize that you can't take care of your family when you can't take care of yourself. Taking time to "refill your cup" can improve your performance in all areas of your life. So take the time to sleep in, spend time with friends, enjoy a warm bath, or whatever it is you enjoy.
5. Identify the Sources of Guilty Feelings
Understanding the sources of the guilt can be eye-opening. Sometimes the sources are internal with us putting high expectations on ourselves. Other times the sources are external - maybe it's social media or someone in our lives questioning our choices or bragging about their parenting. Think about what sources matter most to you and what your values are and then cut out or set boundaries on the ones that don't matter.
6. Practice Gratitude
Regularly practicing gratitude has the great benefit of changing our mindset. By practicing gratitude regularly, you'll start to notice a more positive outlook. There are many different ways to practice gratitude, but one of the most common is to start a gratitude journal.
Take time at the end of the day to reflect on the positives about the day and list some things you're thankful for - it can be as big as your baby their first steps or as small as having a good cup of tea. There really is no right or wrong answer.
Overcoming Self-Doubt and Embracing Confidence
Navigating motherhood is a profoundly personal journey filled with its own set of challenges and triumphs. It's important to remember that feeling moments of guilt is a part of the parenting experience, but these feelings don't define your incredible worth as a mother.
If you find that mom guilt is becoming overwhelming or is affecting your ability to enjoy motherhood, it might be helpful to speak with a professional. Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore these feelings and discover strategies to manage them effectively, allowing you to experience the joys of motherhood more fully.
Seek Support When You Need It
For those in the Los Angeles area, I offer specialized maternal mental health and postpartum support to help you navigate these challenging but rewarding times.
Whether you're dealing with mom guilt, seeking ways to balance life’s demands, or just need someone to talk to, help is available. Visit Therapy with Gayane to learn more and take the first step towards a more joyful, fulfilling motherhood experience. You don't have to do this alone.